Miracle on Cove Road, Orleans

Miracle on Cove Road, Orleans

Christ appears on a cup in Highway Department's Big Dig

The Holy Father is an avid reader of Cape Cod Today and was interested in the story on Orleans Big Dig that ran Sunday, September 25, 2011. This morning after his daily walk across Town Cove, His Holiness decided to pay a pastoral visit to the devastated flock on Cove Road. He walked along the street, weeping at the damage from Friday night’s deluge.

But wait, there’s more! Holy Father, as witnessed by Saint Timothy, observed a divine manifestation: the face of Jesus shone out from one of the washed out sidewalks. Right next to the famed Dunkin Donuts coffee cup, there sat a perfect image of our Savior.

No doubt this discovery will slow the project as the Badican’s Curia investigates the manifestation. If any of the workers or Orleans town officials begin to show stigmata then perhaps the site will become a destination for pilgrims seeking the intervention of the Risen Jesus. What a wonderful way to boost Orleans’ shoulder season commerce!

All that need be done now is locate the remnants of a lost Indian tribe and perhaps Orleans will be able to secure one of the casino licenses so hotly debated on Beacon Hill. Archaeologists from the Holy See-Saw are also seeking relics of the cross used to crucify directors of the cursed Cape Cod Lighthouse Charter School and remnants of Noah’s Ark. Perhaps even the Ark of the Covenant lies in the ruins of the ill-fated sidewalk project!

Holy Father is also a bit concerned that some of the mud puddles along the project will be declared wetlands by the Conservation Commission, requiring an enrivonmental impact study for the Big Dig to move forward. One hopes that divine intervention will not be required to avoid such a costly distraction.

Manny The Monster, The Beast Of Onset

Sea Monster Devours 70 In Onset

he world as we know it was rocked when a 100 foot sea monster emerged from Onset Bay and attacked the 2011 Cape Verdean Festival in Onset.

The monster was described by witnesses as looking like "a moron photoshopped a swan," while others said it looked like the famous sea serpent which attacked Cape Ann in 1639. It struck without warning and went straight for the Cape Verdean Festival, where thousands of revelers were enjoying a cultural festival. It was described as over 30 meters long, with a generally Nessie-like appearance. It's head- at the end of a snakelike neck- was higher than the 40 foot high tower on the Inn At Onset Bay.

Dennis Shark scare fills rooms, creates traffic jams

23-foot long Great White Shark seem in Bass River

Great White Shark photographed today from the Dennis side of Bass River. Photo courtesy of the Dennis Chamber of Commerce.

irst came the news of half-eaten seals found on southside beaches in the two mid Cape towns of Dennis and Yarmouth. Then came the reports, the first from a highly-placed Yarmouth chamber official, that a twenty-three-foot long Great White Shark was seem and later photographed swimming up Bass River towards Kelleys Bay and Follins Pond north of the Route 6 Mid Cape Highway.

"I could tell the shark was over twenty feet long by holding its image against the head of a Dennis chamber official's C.V. who was standing opposite me on the eastern side of the river," said Bob DeWood, a Yarmouth tourism official.

Shark Boom fills every room in Dennis, Visitors fleeing Chatham

Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child

Greetings my Children

he past week has seen much published about the behavior of children in public places. The Holy Father and I want to go on record: The Holy See-Saw of Cape Cod does not tolerate misbehaving children nor those of fail to discipline these Imps of the Devil.

The Holy Cod Church absolutely does not endorse child abuse or harmful beatings of children. However, there are Biblical mandates for disciplining of children:

He who spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him
betimes" (Proverbs 13:24) and "Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou
strike him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and
deliver his soul from hell." (Proverbs 23:13-14)

Sister Aloysuis, a strict disciplinarian if ever one existed, is responsible for the Parochial school system of the Holy See-Saw. She cites the words of the Virgin Mary's End-Times Prophesies which say in part that spanking is not illegal so long as a child is not injured, physically marked or bruised.

What women know & don't know about men

The sex secrets of the ages by a noted roué
First, what women know about men

obin Williams said it best when asked what was the difference between women and men when it came to sexual intercourse.

He said: "Women ask, WHY? Men ask, WHERE?" If my dear reader would ponder the deeper meaning of those words, the differences between the genders would reveal itself. But since women haven't figured it out since the Garden of Eden, I assume a more detailed explanation is needed.

So here is what women know about men:

• They are necessary for producing offspring.
• They can be easily manipulated by as small a reward as an apple.
• They know more about their carburetors than about your clitoris.
• They don't want to 'commit.'
• They don't smell as good as women do.
• They lie a lot.
• They care more about beer than about clothes.
• They avoid intimacy, thus their interest in sports.
• They have three pairs of shoes, max.
• They don't remember dates.
• If it itches, they scratch it - no matter where it is.
• Christopher Columbus didn't ask for directions and neither do they.
• They always leave the toilet seat up.

Now, what men are really thinking

Osterville's new Meth Lab

Drug Rehab Center to open at Former Osterville Bay Elementary

Meth Hags and Heroin Addicts Rejoice

ews of the Cape recently learned that the former Osterville Bay Elementary School will soon house a drug rehabilitation center specializing in help for those addicted to crystal meth and heroin.  Part of the Walter White Institute for Meth Amphetamine Studies, the new facility will feature twenty-four hour service for addicts as well as a beauty salon for meth hags in need of makeovers and a dental clinic where a hag can get her tooth cleaned. The photo above was taken by a recovering Meth hag with hand tremors. 

AMC TV’s popular Breaking Bad series has drawn considerable attention to the plight of meth hags and addicts of all flavors.  With the popularity of meth, heroin and various prescription drugs here on Cape Cod, the Walter White Institute felt it important to open a state-of-the-art drug treatment center in the local area.  While a more logical choice would have been beautiful downtown Hyannis, the Institute felt that Osterville would be a more serene setting for the clinic and would afford a safer environment for clinic employees. 

New diversity to Osterville

Cape Cod Tunnel

Canal drained, closed for ten months starting in May 2012

esidents of Cape Cod rejoice as construction began on the Cape Cod Tunnel. The CCT will be located where the two yellow roads meet in the picture above.

The tunnel, which is estimated to cost 100 zillion dollars, will run under the Cape Cod Canal, emerge in the Otis Air National Guard base before forking off to join both Route 6 and Route 28.