Manny The Monster, The Beast Of Onset

Sea Monster Devours 70 In Onset

he world as we know it was rocked when a 100 foot sea monster emerged from Onset Bay and attacked the 2011 Cape Verdean Festival in Onset.

The monster was described by witnesses as looking like "a moron photoshopped a swan," while others said it looked like the famous sea serpent which attacked Cape Ann in 1639. It struck without warning and went straight for the Cape Verdean Festival, where thousands of revelers were enjoying a cultural festival. It was described as over 30 meters long, with a generally Nessie-like appearance. It's head- at the end of a snakelike neck- was higher than the 40 foot high tower on the Inn At Onset Bay.

Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child

Greetings my Children

he past week has seen much published about the behavior of children in public places. The Holy Father and I want to go on record: The Holy See-Saw of Cape Cod does not tolerate misbehaving children nor those of fail to discipline these Imps of the Devil.

The Holy Cod Church absolutely does not endorse child abuse or harmful beatings of children. However, there are Biblical mandates for disciplining of children:

He who spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him
betimes" (Proverbs 13:24) and "Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou
strike him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and
deliver his soul from hell." (Proverbs 23:13-14)

Sister Aloysuis, a strict disciplinarian if ever one existed, is responsible for the Parochial school system of the Holy See-Saw. She cites the words of the Virgin Mary's End-Times Prophesies which say in part that spanking is not illegal so long as a child is not injured, physically marked or bruised.

What women know & don't know about men

The sex secrets of the ages by a noted roué
First, what women know about men

obin Williams said it best when asked what was the difference between women and men when it came to sexual intercourse.

He said: "Women ask, WHY? Men ask, WHERE?" If my dear reader would ponder the deeper meaning of those words, the differences between the genders would reveal itself. But since women haven't figured it out since the Garden of Eden, I assume a more detailed explanation is needed.

So here is what women know about men:

• They are necessary for producing offspring.
• They can be easily manipulated by as small a reward as an apple.
• They know more about their carburetors than about your clitoris.
• They don't want to 'commit.'
• They don't smell as good as women do.
• They lie a lot.
• They care more about beer than about clothes.
• They avoid intimacy, thus their interest in sports.
• They have three pairs of shoes, max.
• They don't remember dates.
• If it itches, they scratch it - no matter where it is.
• Christopher Columbus didn't ask for directions and neither do they.
• They always leave the toilet seat up.

Now, what men are really thinking

Cape women rally for fashion, Grunge gives way to Gucci here

Vistors claim they can't tell one gender from another
But claim the men dress better

By Lirpa Loof, Hyannisport correspondent

rewster's Rene Wallace and East Harwich's Tap Skroob, shown on right, lead new, grassroots movement to force Cape Cod damsels to switch from their present  Basse Mode to Dior and Prada, or at least Life's End..

Long derided as the worst-dressed women in American where they were once lauded at the "feminine ideal".

Local women boycott Jeans and Woolrich and L. L. Bean

Avenging Angels, Demons Threaten Harwich, Plymouth Martyr Fast-Tracked for Sainthood

Dark Angel Arrested

he Holy Father summoned me to his chamber at sunrise today with Cape Cod Today's report on the arrest of Gina Clark, head of the former Touched by Angels charity in Plymouth July 13th on a shoplifting charge. The entire Vatican reads Cape Cod Today right before morning devotions.

Those afflicted with such wickedness should indeed be "touched by angels" - not not the sweet cherubs of the New Testament - no, no! Holy Father prays to unleash some Old Testament avenging angels to smite those who sin so egregiously.

Normally My Eminence invites sinners to visit my confessional. In this case, Saint Timothy prophesied that the confessional would burst into flames should the Dark Angel cross its threshold.

Demons Threaten Harwich Cinema

Holy Father also called my attention to the bomb scare at the Regal Cinema in Harwich as the sun rose in the East. The Holy See-Saw believes this to be the work of demons Hell-bent on forcing the Harry Potter film from the screens of Harwich. Fortunately both Entertainment Cinemas in Dennis and the Wellfleet Cinemas remained demon-free so the good citizens and summer guests could see their film during Harry Potter Weekend.

My Eminence will conduct an exorcism at the cinema as soon as divinely possible. We expect this to be the first of many exorcisms at that property, as the cursed Cape Cod Lighthouse Charter School is expected to acquire the cinema before long. Once CCLCS arrives on site we shudder at the thought of the head-spinning, vomit-spewing demons that we must eject from the premises. And then there's the constant fear of a volcano opening up in the back parking lot as the Volcano Gods grow hungry.

Plymouth Martyr Venerated

As part of our quest to be more in touch with modern values, the Holy Father has venerated the martyr Thomas Granger who was executed at Plimoth Plantation in 1642 for buggery with various farm animals. The contemporary account recorded by Governor Bradford reads as follows:

He [Thomas Granger] was this year detected of buggery, and indicted for the same with a mare, a cow, two goats, five sheep, two calves and a turkey. Horrible it is to mention, but the truth of the history requires it.

He was first discovered by one that accidentally saw his lewd practice towards the mare. (I forbear particulars.) Being upon it examined and committed, in the end he not only confessed the fact with that beast at that time, but sundry times before and at several times with all the rest of the forenamed in his indictment. And this his free confession was not only in private to the magistrates (though at first he strived to deny it) but to sundry, both ministers and others; and afterwards, upon his indictment, to the whole Court and jury; and confirmed it at his execution. And whereas some of the sheep could not so well be known by his description of them, others with them were brought before him and he declared which were they and which were not. And accordingly he was cast by the jury and condemned, and after executed about the 8th of September, 1642.

A very sad spectacle it was. For first the mare and then the cow and the rest of the lesser cattle were killed before his face, according to the law, Leviticus xx.15; and then he himself was executed. The cattle were all cast into a great and large pit that was digged of purpose for them, and no use made of any part of them. (1952:320-1)

Since the Holy See-Saw is presently considering the question of consecrating inter-species marriage, the Congregation for the Cause of Saints sees this as the optimum time to place Mr. Granger on a fast-track for sainthood. The Congregation now seeks evidence of a single miracle attributed to Thomas Granger in order to advance him to the next step of Beautification.

Mon Dieu, the cow's milk did taste a bit odd this morning...

Blessings to my beloved,

My Eminence Cardinal Borgia