Dark Angel Arrested
he Holy Father summoned me to his chamber at sunrise today with Cape Cod Today's report on the arrest of Gina Clark, head of the former Touched by Angels charity in Plymouth July 13th on a shoplifting charge. The entire Vatican reads Cape Cod Today right before morning devotions.
Holy Father also called my attention to the bomb scare at the Regal Cinema in Harwich as the sun rose in the East. The Holy See-Saw believes this to be the work of demons Hell-bent on forcing the Harry Potter film from the screens of Harwich. Fortunately both Entertainment Cinemas in Dennis and the Wellfleet Cinemas remained demon-free so the good citizens and summer guests could see their film during Harry Potter Weekend.
As part of our quest to be more in touch with modern values, the Holy Father has venerated the martyr Thomas Granger who was executed at Plimoth Plantation in 1642 for buggery with various farm animals. The contemporary account recorded by Governor Bradford reads as follows:
He [Thomas Granger] was this year detected of buggery, and indicted for the same with a mare, a cow, two goats, five sheep, two calves and a turkey. Horrible it is to mention, but the truth of the history requires it.
He was first discovered by one that accidentally saw his lewd practice towards the mare. (I forbear particulars.) Being upon it examined and committed, in the end he not only confessed the fact with that beast at that time, but sundry times before and at several times with all the rest of the forenamed in his indictment. And this his free confession was not only in private to the magistrates (though at first he strived to deny it) but to sundry, both ministers and others; and afterwards, upon his indictment, to the whole Court and jury; and confirmed it at his execution. And whereas some of the sheep could not so well be known by his description of them, others with them were brought before him and he declared which were they and which were not. And accordingly he was cast by the jury and condemned, and after executed about the 8th of September, 1642.
A very sad spectacle it was. For first the mare and then the cow and the rest of the lesser cattle were killed before his face, according to the law, Leviticus xx.15; and then he himself was executed. The cattle were all cast into a great and large pit that was digged of purpose for them, and no use made of any part of them. (1952:320-1)
Since the Holy See-Saw is presently considering the question of consecrating inter-species marriage, the Congregation for the Cause of Saints sees this as the optimum time to place Mr. Granger on a fast-track for sainthood. The Congregation now seeks evidence of a single miracle attributed to Thomas Granger in order to advance him to the next step of Beautification.
he Holy Father summoned me to his chamber at sunrise today with Cape Cod Today's report on the arrest of Gina Clark, head of the former Touched by Angels charity in Plymouth July 13th on a shoplifting charge. The entire Vatican reads Cape Cod Today right before morning devotions.Those afflicted with such wickedness should indeed be "touched by angels" - not not the sweet cherubs of the New Testament - no, no! Holy Father prays to unleash some Old Testament avenging angels to smite those who sin so egregiously.
Normally My Eminence invites sinners to visit my confessional. In this case, Saint Timothy prophesied that the confessional would burst into flames should the Dark Angel cross its threshold.
Demons Threaten Harwich Cinema
Holy Father also called my attention to the bomb scare at the Regal Cinema in Harwich as the sun rose in the East. The Holy See-Saw believes this to be the work of demons Hell-bent on forcing the Harry Potter film from the screens of Harwich. Fortunately both Entertainment Cinemas in Dennis and the Wellfleet Cinemas remained demon-free so the good citizens and summer guests could see their film during Harry Potter Weekend. My Eminence will conduct an exorcism at the cinema as soon as divinely possible. We expect this to be the first of many exorcisms at that property, as the cursed Cape Cod Lighthouse Charter School is expected to acquire the cinema before long. Once CCLCS arrives on site we shudder at the thought of the head-spinning, vomit-spewing demons that we must eject from the premises. And then there's the constant fear of a volcano opening up in the back parking lot as the Volcano Gods grow hungry.
Plymouth Martyr Venerated
As part of our quest to be more in touch with modern values, the Holy Father has venerated the martyr Thomas Granger who was executed at Plimoth Plantation in 1642 for buggery with various farm animals. The contemporary account recorded by Governor Bradford reads as follows:He [Thomas Granger] was this year detected of buggery, and indicted for the same with a mare, a cow, two goats, five sheep, two calves and a turkey. Horrible it is to mention, but the truth of the history requires it.
He was first discovered by one that accidentally saw his lewd practice towards the mare. (I forbear particulars.) Being upon it examined and committed, in the end he not only confessed the fact with that beast at that time, but sundry times before and at several times with all the rest of the forenamed in his indictment. And this his free confession was not only in private to the magistrates (though at first he strived to deny it) but to sundry, both ministers and others; and afterwards, upon his indictment, to the whole Court and jury; and confirmed it at his execution. And whereas some of the sheep could not so well be known by his description of them, others with them were brought before him and he declared which were they and which were not. And accordingly he was cast by the jury and condemned, and after executed about the 8th of September, 1642.
A very sad spectacle it was. For first the mare and then the cow and the rest of the lesser cattle were killed before his face, according to the law, Leviticus xx.15; and then he himself was executed. The cattle were all cast into a great and large pit that was digged of purpose for them, and no use made of any part of them. (1952:320-1)
Since the Holy See-Saw is presently considering the question of consecrating inter-species marriage, the Congregation for the Cause of Saints sees this as the optimum time to place Mr. Granger on a fast-track for sainthood. The Congregation now seeks evidence of a single miracle attributed to Thomas Granger in order to advance him to the next step of Beautification.
Mon Dieu, the cow's milk did taste a bit odd this morning...
Blessings to my beloved,
My Eminence Cardinal Borgia
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