Osterville's new Meth Lab

Drug Rehab Center to open at Former Osterville Bay Elementary

Meth Hags and Heroin Addicts Rejoice

ews of the Cape recently learned that the former Osterville Bay Elementary School will soon house a drug rehabilitation center specializing in help for those addicted to crystal meth and heroin.  Part of the Walter White Institute for Meth Amphetamine Studies, the new facility will feature twenty-four hour service for addicts as well as a beauty salon for meth hags in need of makeovers and a dental clinic where a hag can get her tooth cleaned. The photo above was taken by a recovering Meth hag with hand tremors. 

AMC TV’s popular Breaking Bad series has drawn considerable attention to the plight of meth hags and addicts of all flavors.  With the popularity of meth, heroin and various prescription drugs here on Cape Cod, the Walter White Institute felt it important to open a state-of-the-art drug treatment center in the local area.  While a more logical choice would have been beautiful downtown Hyannis, the Institute felt that Osterville would be a more serene setting for the clinic and would afford a safer environment for clinic employees. 

New diversity to Osterville

Many feel locating the clinic in the historic Osterville school house offers the added benefit of bringing a new diversity to the neighborhoods of Osterville.  It will draw the addict element from the downtown area and let the reputedly snobbish residents of Osterville experience addiction and drug crime from an entirely new perspective, perhaps developing some empathy in the process.

The new facility will be powered entirely by on-site wind turbines.  Research has shown that the flash and noise from wind turbines helps crystal meth users find their way to treatment centers.

Buses will run between Fresh Holes Road and Osterville Bay hourly.  No security is planned for the clinic, as the founders believe the recovering addicts will behave like ladies and gentlemen.

Osterville Bay was last used as a school in 2008.  Several attempts to sell the building have failed due to lack of interest by bidders and potentially toxic substances on site.  The Institute is excited by the prospect of toxic substances, since these are often used in weaning meth hags from their bad habits.

Barnstable is reportedly leasing the old school to the Institute for $3 million per year on a ten year lease.  The alleged rent is exorbitant even by Barnstable’s standards of shaking down businesses.  The income will pay for extra police patrols and will help buy out future town managers’ contracts.

A September 2011 opening is anticipated.  A dedication ceremony will be held in approximately two weeks with News of the Cape’s own Cardinal Borgia offering the anointment.  Dr. Gregory House of Princeton-Plainsboro Hospital is rumored to be the leading candidate  for the position of medical director. 

Osterville residents are advised to keep their doors and windows locked.