Miracle on Cove Road, Orleans

Miracle on Cove Road, Orleans

Christ appears on a cup in Highway Department's Big Dig

The Holy Father is an avid reader of Cape Cod Today and was interested in the story on Orleans Big Dig that ran Sunday, September 25, 2011. This morning after his daily walk across Town Cove, His Holiness decided to pay a pastoral visit to the devastated flock on Cove Road. He walked along the street, weeping at the damage from Friday night’s deluge.

But wait, there’s more! Holy Father, as witnessed by Saint Timothy, observed a divine manifestation: the face of Jesus shone out from one of the washed out sidewalks. Right next to the famed Dunkin Donuts coffee cup, there sat a perfect image of our Savior.

No doubt this discovery will slow the project as the Badican’s Curia investigates the manifestation. If any of the workers or Orleans town officials begin to show stigmata then perhaps the site will become a destination for pilgrims seeking the intervention of the Risen Jesus. What a wonderful way to boost Orleans’ shoulder season commerce!

All that need be done now is locate the remnants of a lost Indian tribe and perhaps Orleans will be able to secure one of the casino licenses so hotly debated on Beacon Hill. Archaeologists from the Holy See-Saw are also seeking relics of the cross used to crucify directors of the cursed Cape Cod Lighthouse Charter School and remnants of Noah’s Ark. Perhaps even the Ark of the Covenant lies in the ruins of the ill-fated sidewalk project!

Holy Father is also a bit concerned that some of the mud puddles along the project will be declared wetlands by the Conservation Commission, requiring an enrivonmental impact study for the Big Dig to move forward. One hopes that divine intervention will not be required to avoid such a costly distraction.

Manny The Monster, The Beast Of Onset

Sea Monster Devours 70 In Onset

he world as we know it was rocked when a 100 foot sea monster emerged from Onset Bay and attacked the 2011 Cape Verdean Festival in Onset.

The monster was described by witnesses as looking like "a moron photoshopped a swan," while others said it looked like the famous sea serpent which attacked Cape Ann in 1639. It struck without warning and went straight for the Cape Verdean Festival, where thousands of revelers were enjoying a cultural festival. It was described as over 30 meters long, with a generally Nessie-like appearance. It's head- at the end of a snakelike neck- was higher than the 40 foot high tower on the Inn At Onset Bay.

Dennis Shark scare fills rooms, creates traffic jams

23-foot long Great White Shark seem in Bass River

Great White Shark photographed today from the Dennis side of Bass River. Photo courtesy of the Dennis Chamber of Commerce.

irst came the news of half-eaten seals found on southside beaches in the two mid Cape towns of Dennis and Yarmouth. Then came the reports, the first from a highly-placed Yarmouth chamber official, that a twenty-three-foot long Great White Shark was seem and later photographed swimming up Bass River towards Kelleys Bay and Follins Pond north of the Route 6 Mid Cape Highway.

"I could tell the shark was over twenty feet long by holding its image against the head of a Dennis chamber official's C.V. who was standing opposite me on the eastern side of the river," said Bob DeWood, a Yarmouth tourism official.

Shark Boom fills every room in Dennis, Visitors fleeing Chatham

Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child

Greetings my Children

he past week has seen much published about the behavior of children in public places. The Holy Father and I want to go on record: The Holy See-Saw of Cape Cod does not tolerate misbehaving children nor those of fail to discipline these Imps of the Devil.

The Holy Cod Church absolutely does not endorse child abuse or harmful beatings of children. However, there are Biblical mandates for disciplining of children:

He who spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him
betimes" (Proverbs 13:24) and "Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou
strike him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and
deliver his soul from hell." (Proverbs 23:13-14)

Sister Aloysuis, a strict disciplinarian if ever one existed, is responsible for the Parochial school system of the Holy See-Saw. She cites the words of the Virgin Mary's End-Times Prophesies which say in part that spanking is not illegal so long as a child is not injured, physically marked or bruised.

What women know & don't know about men

The sex secrets of the ages by a noted roué
First, what women know about men

obin Williams said it best when asked what was the difference between women and men when it came to sexual intercourse.

He said: "Women ask, WHY? Men ask, WHERE?" If my dear reader would ponder the deeper meaning of those words, the differences between the genders would reveal itself. But since women haven't figured it out since the Garden of Eden, I assume a more detailed explanation is needed.

So here is what women know about men:

• They are necessary for producing offspring.
• They can be easily manipulated by as small a reward as an apple.
• They know more about their carburetors than about your clitoris.
• They don't want to 'commit.'
• They don't smell as good as women do.
• They lie a lot.
• They care more about beer than about clothes.
• They avoid intimacy, thus their interest in sports.
• They have three pairs of shoes, max.
• They don't remember dates.
• If it itches, they scratch it - no matter where it is.
• Christopher Columbus didn't ask for directions and neither do they.
• They always leave the toilet seat up.

Now, what men are really thinking

Osterville's new Meth Lab

Drug Rehab Center to open at Former Osterville Bay Elementary

Meth Hags and Heroin Addicts Rejoice

ews of the Cape recently learned that the former Osterville Bay Elementary School will soon house a drug rehabilitation center specializing in help for those addicted to crystal meth and heroin.  Part of the Walter White Institute for Meth Amphetamine Studies, the new facility will feature twenty-four hour service for addicts as well as a beauty salon for meth hags in need of makeovers and a dental clinic where a hag can get her tooth cleaned. The photo above was taken by a recovering Meth hag with hand tremors. 

AMC TV’s popular Breaking Bad series has drawn considerable attention to the plight of meth hags and addicts of all flavors.  With the popularity of meth, heroin and various prescription drugs here on Cape Cod, the Walter White Institute felt it important to open a state-of-the-art drug treatment center in the local area.  While a more logical choice would have been beautiful downtown Hyannis, the Institute felt that Osterville would be a more serene setting for the clinic and would afford a safer environment for clinic employees. 

New diversity to Osterville

Cape Cod Tunnel

Canal drained, closed for ten months starting in May 2012

esidents of Cape Cod rejoice as construction began on the Cape Cod Tunnel. The CCT will be located where the two yellow roads meet in the picture above.

The tunnel, which is estimated to cost 100 zillion dollars, will run under the Cape Cod Canal, emerge in the Otis Air National Guard base before forking off to join both Route 6 and Route 28.

Bring Back the Dunce Cap - For Teachers!

Maybe we can extend the practice to Cape Cod charter schools
And teacher's wages should be indexed to MCAS results

During morning Mass today, My Eminence observed an inattentive teenager who was far more interested in teasing the girl in front of him than in the Elevation of the Host. Fortunately, Sister Aloysius was quick with her yardstick and left the little devil with the markings of her wrath.

Saint Timothy, who was serving at the altar, muttered "Dunce!" under his breath and that brought a Divine Revelation: Bring back the Dunce Cap - but only for teachers!

Holy Father loved the idea!

Cape women rally for fashion, Grunge gives way to Gucci here

Vistors claim they can't tell one gender from another
But claim the men dress better

By Lirpa Loof, Hyannisport correspondent

rewster's Rene Wallace and East Harwich's Tap Skroob, shown on right, lead new, grassroots movement to force Cape Cod damsels to switch from their present  Basse Mode to Dior and Prada, or at least Life's End..

Long derided as the worst-dressed women in American where they were once lauded at the "feminine ideal".

Local women boycott Jeans and Woolrich and L. L. Bean

Local daily newspaper announces logo design contest winner, To replace entire Editorial Board

Legless Seagull to be replaced by a Wind Turbine

t our local Rupert Murdoch-owned daily newspaper, the Editors have decided to revamp their infamous Editorial Board to exclude any staff members who have not worked in another newspaper's newsroom for at least a two decades.

Since 2000 the editorial board had written nothing except anti-wind farm editorials, 1,275 to date. According to an estimate by Editorial Page Editor William Mills that is an "editorial stuck-record" after this strange obsession was finally been noticed by one of the daily's remaining 28 subscribers who is at an East Osterville nursing home.

The ten-year time delay was due, a newspaper official said, to the fact that apparently no one within living memory at the newspaper or elsewhere had actually ever read a Times' editorial.

Cape Cod Times redesigns new logo as well and Bill Koch is the winner

New Cable Drama Series to Film in Barnstable

“Boardwalk Empire” to star Charlie Sheen as corrupt Town Manager

The star of "Walkway Empire" is made up to resemble a local, veteran Town Manager

ollowing in the steps of HBO’s blockbuster “Boardwalk Empire”, News of the Cape has learned that one of the cable networks is now casting for “Walkway Empire”, a new drama series based upon the tawdry affairs of the town of Barnstable.

Thus far the major roles have been cast with Charlie Sheen as corrupt Town Council President Seamus O’Toole, Mickey Rourke as chief of police Rodney Doolittle, Lindsey Lohan as the nightclub owner Freda Urbanetti (F.U. to her friends) and Sean Penn as indefatigable town manager B.T. Mycock. Paris Hilton will portray crusading district attorney Marion Dike, the political partner and unrequited love interest of B.T. Mycock.

Barring gunshots, promotional footage will be filmed next week along the so-called “Walkway to the Sea” in beautiful downtown Hyannis.  Sources say the main house at the Kennedy Compound will be used as the O’Toole family’s seat of power.   Tom Cruise guest stars as the heroic head of security for the Horseshoe Shoals Wind Farm who keeps the wind turbines safe from the Terrorism Alliance’s constant attacks.

Avenging Angels, Demons Threaten Harwich, Plymouth Martyr Fast-Tracked for Sainthood

Dark Angel Arrested

he Holy Father summoned me to his chamber at sunrise today with Cape Cod Today's report on the arrest of Gina Clark, head of the former Touched by Angels charity in Plymouth July 13th on a shoplifting charge. The entire Vatican reads Cape Cod Today right before morning devotions.

Those afflicted with such wickedness should indeed be "touched by angels" - not not the sweet cherubs of the New Testament - no, no! Holy Father prays to unleash some Old Testament avenging angels to smite those who sin so egregiously.

Normally My Eminence invites sinners to visit my confessional. In this case, Saint Timothy prophesied that the confessional would burst into flames should the Dark Angel cross its threshold.

Demons Threaten Harwich Cinema

Holy Father also called my attention to the bomb scare at the Regal Cinema in Harwich as the sun rose in the East. The Holy See-Saw believes this to be the work of demons Hell-bent on forcing the Harry Potter film from the screens of Harwich. Fortunately both Entertainment Cinemas in Dennis and the Wellfleet Cinemas remained demon-free so the good citizens and summer guests could see their film during Harry Potter Weekend.

My Eminence will conduct an exorcism at the cinema as soon as divinely possible. We expect this to be the first of many exorcisms at that property, as the cursed Cape Cod Lighthouse Charter School is expected to acquire the cinema before long. Once CCLCS arrives on site we shudder at the thought of the head-spinning, vomit-spewing demons that we must eject from the premises. And then there's the constant fear of a volcano opening up in the back parking lot as the Volcano Gods grow hungry.

Plymouth Martyr Venerated

As part of our quest to be more in touch with modern values, the Holy Father has venerated the martyr Thomas Granger who was executed at Plimoth Plantation in 1642 for buggery with various farm animals. The contemporary account recorded by Governor Bradford reads as follows:

He [Thomas Granger] was this year detected of buggery, and indicted for the same with a mare, a cow, two goats, five sheep, two calves and a turkey. Horrible it is to mention, but the truth of the history requires it.

He was first discovered by one that accidentally saw his lewd practice towards the mare. (I forbear particulars.) Being upon it examined and committed, in the end he not only confessed the fact with that beast at that time, but sundry times before and at several times with all the rest of the forenamed in his indictment. And this his free confession was not only in private to the magistrates (though at first he strived to deny it) but to sundry, both ministers and others; and afterwards, upon his indictment, to the whole Court and jury; and confirmed it at his execution. And whereas some of the sheep could not so well be known by his description of them, others with them were brought before him and he declared which were they and which were not. And accordingly he was cast by the jury and condemned, and after executed about the 8th of September, 1642.

A very sad spectacle it was. For first the mare and then the cow and the rest of the lesser cattle were killed before his face, according to the law, Leviticus xx.15; and then he himself was executed. The cattle were all cast into a great and large pit that was digged of purpose for them, and no use made of any part of them. (1952:320-1)

Since the Holy See-Saw is presently considering the question of consecrating inter-species marriage, the Congregation for the Cause of Saints sees this as the optimum time to place Mr. Granger on a fast-track for sainthood. The Congregation now seeks evidence of a single miracle attributed to Thomas Granger in order to advance him to the next step of Beautification.

Mon Dieu, the cow's milk did taste a bit odd this morning...

Blessings to my beloved,

My Eminence Cardinal Borgia

Mainland Barnstable County Secedes!

Cape Cod Loses 5000 Taxpayers

n a sudden and stunning development, the villages of Buzzards Bay and Sagamore Beach have voted to secede from both the Town Of Bourne and Barnstable County. The final vote was 4600 to 3. The runaway villages will unite to form a town of their own, named "Road's End.." They will then apply for admission into Plymouth County. Sources tell this paper that said application is already approved. Road's End will be a bowtie-shaped entity running from Buttermilk Bay's north shore to Great Herring Pond's south shore east to the Atlantic. Her southern border will be the Cape Cod Canal. 

A Miraculous New Medium

he Holy Father asked me to thank News of the Cape for providing such a blessed platform for our teachings. We are eager to spread the gospel of the Borgia Pope far and wide across God's wonderland of Cape Cod.

Today the Popemobile traveled to an inflatible wonderland in Dennis. Holy Father was most disappointed to learn that this was a destination to experience children's bouncy games in giant beasts of the forests. His Holiness had a different kind of inflatible toy in mind but gives his sincere blessing for this wholesome endeavor.

After lunch, Holy Father walked across Town Cove from Orleans to Eastham to view the campus for the proposed Alexander Sextus Center for Holy Inquisition at the site of the closed Roman Catholic Church on Massasoit Road. Holy Father was saddened by the disrepair of the property. Heads will roll! Meanwhile, he ponders selling the campus to the Town of Eastham as a library now that their ill fated Jurassic Library was wait-listed by the Commonwealth.

Welcome to our Spoof

This is NOT
News of the World

This IS News of the Cape
ith the recent demise of Rupert Murdoch's British tabloid, we feel that the world on this side of the pond may be ready for the usual, heavy-handed, nasty and naughty, Murdoch touch.

Thus this non non-paper (as opposed to news-paper) which will try very hard NOT to publish a simple truth.

Be warned

All our stories are spoofs, whimsy, phony, fake, like Rupert Murdoch's still afloat FauxFoxNews. An example would be this one from The Spoof:, "He's been living on the Cape and been on the State payroll since 1991!  Whitey confronted at his ocean front home in Eastham where he was seen tending some unmarked graves in his backyard..." See here.

A more recent slander was titled, "White Sharks Gather off Cape Cod on Rumours Kennedy to Be Buried at Sea" The story goes on to say, "In a final lifting of his middle finger to the constituents that paid his way for over 55 years, deceased Senator Edward M. Kennedy had one parting shot to ruin labor day for millions on Cape Cod.

"Reports that the Senator had requested he be buried at sea, apparently have leaked out to the marine world as a pod of great white sharks have suddenly appeared off Cape Cods most popular beaches during labor day, effectively causing Massachusetts authorities to ban swimming, wading, paddle boarding, or even diving in to take a pee." See it here.

Hyannisport Outrage, Martyrdom in Orleans, Witch Hunt in Barnstable

Twilight in Camelot

atholicism hit a new low the the other day when Patrick Kennedy was married outside the family compound in Hyannisport. The civil ceremony was conducted by a sitting justice of the United States Supreme Court. Yes, a scion of Camelot was married in a civil ceremony! The sand sculpture to the right aptly depicts the demise of Camelot.

I was disappointed that they didn't call upon My Eminence to sanctify their nuptials. The Holy Father was so upset he cried himself to sleep. The Holy See-Saw is considering Excommunication but does realize we don't condone divorce, either, so perhaps no further Inquisition need be conducted.